Their answers might surprise you

Today was very difficult at work. I found myself in an ethical dilemma, that has posed a very challenging reality. I have a decision to make. Remaining ethical and doing the right thing is always a driving force. I drove away in tears, late to pick up my kids. 

As tears streamed down my face, I was out of solutions - out of hope. Prior to pulling into the drive of school I tried to pull it together. 

"You're late Mom." 

"I know bud, I'm sorry." 

I turn to him and he catches my eyes. 

"Why are you crying?" he asks. 

"Well...it was a rough day at work."

As we drove, I tried so hard to turn my attention to hearing the stories of their day - the struggles they had. Cybie had a really hard time with a "dare" that was being asked of her. She felt embarrassed to tell about it. I validated her, expressed my support and encouraged her. 

When we got home I had to make an important work call so I remained in the car. The kids were prompted with a show and the Wii. I proceeded with my call. An hour later I come in the house - still feeling defeated - exhausted. I have no idea what I will do for dinner. An earlier conversation with a coworker reminded me of the simple pleasure of cereal. A simple everyday food item in many homes, but for us, it's a luxury. We do not often indulge in the sugary kinds. I texted Ben, "hey on your way home can you grab cereal for dinner tonight?" He was shocked. He called to clarify and ask what kind. "Any sugary kinds you see that are good. All the fun ones." He thought I had gone mad. 

I offered the kids a sprite - a whole one for each (I never do that). I cracked a beer, made a platter of carrots, cheese, raddish and olives...sat down next to them and enjoyed. Ben walks in, arms full to the top of his head. Every sugary kind he could hold. "Dinner is here!" I shout. The kids nearly exploded with excitement. They poured at their hearts content. It was a very happy moment together. "This is like the best day ever!" someone shouted. It prompted me to ask the question. 

"That's a great idea, lets go around and share what the 'best day ever' would look like to you, and why. 

"Ooh I'll go first," Liam jumps at the opportunity. "The birth of my first child."

"Whoa bud, thats deep."

Ben supported this thought, "I can agree Liam, it was the best day ever when you were born!" We smiled.

Everett shares "To be Jesus or God." 

Ben and I look at each other, then to Everett, "Wow Ev, that's really profound. 

A moment of silence.

Adelle chimes in, "the day I get a phone and a horse." We all laughed at how accurate that was for her. 

Last but not least, Cybie responds, "I'd like a horse, and my ears pierced, and to be a doctor ...a veterinarian, and a hairstylist and fashion...oh and..." It went on for a while. 

Then Everett begins to share what he's learning in school. "Do you know that when Judas betrayed Jesus, two days later men came for him...they tied his wrists with a rope, not with handcuffs, but with a rope. The tighter they tied it meant the worse the sin. They tied them so tight that Jesus' blood started dripping down."

Ben responds " Dang Everett, of all the times I've heard this story, I've never quite heard it like that - you just brought to life something I've heard all my life through church. That was powerful." 

Then Cybil asks "Can I pray? 

"Oh absolutely, thank you!" I respond. 

We all get quiet. "

"Dear Jesus, thank you for Jesus and the cross. . ." She proceeded with the sweetest prayer. Suddenly I found myself one in Spirit with my sweet little family. All that mattered was this precious moment. Tears started streaming down my face. "Amen," she finished. "Amen," we all say. 

It is really hard to transition from a day of work to focus on family. Especially today. I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Somehow I allowed myself to not be ok, and to provide an opportunity to enjoy the moment anyway. For us it was beer, pop and cereal for the win, which followed by all of us piling in my bed for a moment of "The Croods" (if you don't know what that is look it up on Netflix. 😁)

I cannot change what happened today, and it may go without being resolved. I guess the silver lining in this is had I not been in a place of defeat, I wouldn't have had to let go, to find peace and joy in the moment. For that, I am grateful. 

"Jesus, forgive me for not going to you first to fight my battles. Thank you for using my children to bring me back to you. I pray for strength, peace and wisdom as I navigate these challenges. May you go before me. May you guide me with when to speak, when to stand up, when to stay down and what needs to happen in order to move forward. Amen."

Where is my Anchor?

I can see God in all situations,

But 2020 was an ungodly hour.

We stripped community from society

Denied touch the real power 

To heal a broken heart

And ease a great sorrow

Hate took over.  . .

We carry on unnaturally

Where is my Anchor? 

I want to cross check

But do not trust what I know

Knowledge has the power 

To corrupt and justify

Irrational reasoning 

With fears that multiply

Tossed to and fro 

Amidst a sea of opportunity

I get wrapped up 

In a world of false security

Excusing idiocracy

To be exempt from scrutiny

Like a ship lost at sea

I have lost my way.

Pulled in every direction

I am desperate to stay 

Strong - I will stay strong

No matter how much I want to cave

Where is my Anchor?

Where do I go from here!? 

There is no clear direction 

Of where I want me to be

I never fully know 

When to let go or when to press in

What lures me, though, is unmistakably Him.

God above, if you hear me

Please make yourself known!

I am reminded to pray 

When I cannot cope

But please God, please! 

Help me to see!

I'm running on fumes of grace. . .

Running out of hope.

Whether my journey will find its way again,

Only You know. 

In the meantime, I wait

Not sure of tomorrow

But trust that today

You will have me covered.

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Let Him guide. Let Him heal. Let Him teach. Let Him love. Let him move.  

Dare to believe. Dare to trust. Dare to see. Dare to dream. Dare to learn. Dare to change. . .

Goodness will have the last say.

©  2021 Kaley Kiewiet

All rights reserved

Longterm yearning

Mental Health. It's all the buzz and it is a BIG issue. We live in a day where information has no holes. It's impossible to find nothing on just about anything. We are never fully satisfied because we have learned that what we do not yet know holds the power to change reality. So we keep on searching.

Unfortunately, I am not convinced that drawing awareness is helping. I can't help but wonder if the solution for mental health is something that culture is not willing to see or change.

Our minds have far surpassed our physical abilities and have limited us from sustaining life on earth (both figuratively and literally). We all know too much.

With a plethora of information at our finger tips, confusion is nevermore substantiated. Conflicting opinions everywhere we turn...we just keep searching...

I continually have more questions than I find answers to. I desire a lifestyle that is far from what I am living, a mindset that seems impossible to achieve, and happiness that so easily escapes me because I think way too damn much.

To fight against confusion we strive for more knowledge, more understanding, to explain what is not yet clear (or we pray until we are blue in the face...it's all the same). Naturally, we fantasize about what life could be. We get caught up in things we cannot fix, people we cannot change, and a life we cannot live.

Ever wonder why people in third world countries seem so much happier? We look on people with less and feel remorse. Meanwhile, those of us with more (you and me) over complicate things because we have the opportunity to do so. It is a sickness that drives us with an insatiable appetite to understand life differently than what it has proven to be.

Those of us with more, think that offering more to people with less, will somehow lessen their suffering. It won't. In fact, the opposite is true. Simply seeing the good in people where they are, rather than where they could be, promotes real power. It is like plugging in a lamp in the nearest dark corner. Why aim so far when a power source so close?

Opportunity can be misleading. It promises something greater but is not necessarily greener. When we turn our sight to a reality that is too far out of reach, we cheat ourselves (and others) from simply making the most out of what we have. Longterm yearning is a mental disaster that will not be resolved until we embrace what we have, where we are, and stop searching.

God help us. We all know too much and need You less.

#nurturecalls

Waiting

Waiting is not my strong suit. I woke early to spend time with the Big Guy. So glad I did. I literally felt my spirit rise up. I am reminded that no matter how much I try to control things of life, God's plan is rarely on my radar. I look through an external lens to make sense of what I cannot see. Only what I cannot see will never be seen through this lens. When I let go, I am given the chance to see what God can do - It is, and always has been, better than what I can do. Deep down, I know this - but it is in "knowing" that I fail to seek Him. Knowledge often gets in the way of hearing from a Savior. ❤ #nurturecalls

A Silent Birth

Recently, I had the honor of supporting a Mother and Father who delivered their stillborn baby. While heartbreaking, I find it extremely special to be trusted in such an intimately devastating setting like this. I was their birth support for their now 3-year-old daughter and their 1 1/2-year-old son. We very much looked forward to their third, anticipating sometime in May. 

They decided to be surprised by the sex. Just two days prior to finding out that they had lost their baby, an ultrasound showed a healthy, active baby. As Mom felt no movement over the next two days, the doctor urged her to come in. Her greatest fear became a reality. Nothing could prepare them for this devastating surprise. 

Twenty-seven hours by her side as she endured the most incredible pain. Just over 20 weeks old, they later discovered that their sweet baby was in fact, a son.

Images of this experience still shake me today. The Mother was incredibly brave and broken. She chose to be fully present through labor and delivery, and both her and her husband held their son all through the night. It was incredibly selfless, heartbreaking. . .beautiful. 

The Father was also brave. He supported his wife in a tender way, while allowing himself to break. An image of unity so incredibly bound, as they broke over their stillborn baby. The three of us in the room that day have a stronger bond than I will ever be able to describe. 

You cannot walk from this standing tall. You cannot hide grief when it grips you this well. And so, I wrote this yesterday, and shared it today at their sons gravesite with all those present. Grief from a Mother's perspective...

©  2019 Kaley Kiewiet. All rights reserved.

A Silent Birth

Deeply, I wanted you

Bravely, I fought

Trusting to be with you

Instead, I’m at loss.

Gratefully, I carried you

Painfully, delivered you

Heartbreakingly lost you

Into the hands of God.

You knew the sound of my voice

The steady rhythm of our choice

To love and keep you well, my dear

For all the days you had numbered here.

Not one. Not even one moment with me

Instead, your first breath was eternity

I held you close, though cold and frail

You were mine to love. You were mine to care

Silence never hurt so bad

It pains me to wake with empty hands

My life is less without you here

But I know your life is better – free

Why did you have to go so soon?

And leave me with an empty womb

The only hope I have today

Is that I might see you again one day.

Your kicks, they reminded me

Just how wondrous motherhood can be

Your heartbeat, a lifeline of mine

It moved me to tears every time.

If ever I have doubted a God above

A headship, or a higher power

I know now that one must exist

They are blessed to have you - to hug and to kiss.

Your sister, will never know you

Your brother, would have adored you

Your Father, dreams of raising you

Your Mother, aches to hold you

Your birth planted a seed of grace

To face this nightmare I will replay

Over and over again in my head

Trying to make sense of this brutal end.

Death’s grip was stronger than my desire to keep you

Helpless, I had to succumb.

It angers me that God did not leave you

Here with me. He knows I adore you.

The plans we’ve made

The trips we’d take

Walking to and from the lake

Have all gone up in a raging fire

All but a shattered dream…

Darkness has taken over now

Joy, but a fading memory

But not forever as you’ll see

Love will grow inside of me

I may have lost my heart to death

But this is where death loses depth:

Heaven gained an angel, soft

Sadness weaved our hearts, strong

Mercy, opened my eyes to see

Greatness in people, greatness in me

Gratitude, will overtake

My life is rich in spite of heartache.

Death, you may have gripped my heart

But you did not win this war

My son, you see, lives inside of me

His life will be a legacy.

Oliver Matthew, while we do ache

Dreaming of a life we cannot create

We promise to go from here, in hope

Love and courage will help us cope.

Because of you, I was forced to look up

Humbled at the very thought

If a Creator does in fact exist

There you are, by His side, with the Highest.

Enough wasted mind space on what life could be

We choose to live now – intentionally

We choose to make the most of every day we are given

And trust that God’s grace will rebuild again.

Until we meet again, sweet boy

I promise to be better, to seek out new joy

I promise to trade-in my tainted perspective:

That life ends here, with endless depression.

You’ve shown us how to love in pain

To journey-on in grace and heartache

You’ve shown us all humility

A need for a Savior - our desperate plea

I will ache for you all the days of my life

But I will not give up my desire to strive

It pains me, deeply, to let you go

But where you are, death has no hold.

This is where death will die

Where hell loses power. No angels will cry.

In the hands of our Creator, there you will be

Forever guiding us toward eternity.

Dear God, give me strength to live again

Our son would want us to love, to forgive.

Sweet mercy, if in fact you are there

Please fill us with your tender care.

We release you, son, to the hands of God

Where pain has no home; where fear is not found

Your reflection in, still waters and sky

Will be a guiding light of your legacy, wide.

The necklace reads "I love you to the moon and back"

This shadow box was created by the incredible Metro Health Labor/Delivery Nursing Staff

©  2019 Kaley Kiewiet
All rights reserved

Parenting in the midst of uncertainty

In my own journey as a parent, I have been very out of sorts with how to move forward in a world that is quickly framing right as wrong, and wrong as right.

This was impressed on me today. I believe that God would have me understand the challenges that I face with my children in a new light. I wrote this in a way that I could read out loud. I hope this brings hope to you as it has for me:

I am equipped to handle things that others are not. God will not surround me or my children with perfect scenarios no matter how much my heart desires it. My marriage is about as good as it can be. I would like to protect it with every fiber of my being, which naturally drives me to do the same for my children. "Their lives would be better if..." "Their lives more enjoyable if..."

But every direction I turn my head I see how far life is from ideal. Understanding that God allows evil in the world, I have to believe that He is not more pleased with ideal than he is with real. He is pleased when I strive toward wholeness. I never fully arrive, so he must be satisfied with my desire to strive. I live in a fallen world and I will never reach perfection. There will always be something - someone - ME - in the way of becoming fully alive. It's this way on purpose. If it were any other way, I would not need a savior.

As for my children: no matter how much I want to protect them, life will inevitably show its dark side. To purpose to avoid it is to deny them of the opportunity to figure out how to stand tall in a broken world. God will uniquely draw out of them just as he did for me.

Do not resent imperfection. It is God's will on earth. In his will there has and always will be tension. Without tension, there is no redemption. Premature ache for what will be causes deeper ache than is necessary. 

When joy is present, preserve it. Hang on to it for as long as you can. Too soon life will rear its ugly head of tragedy or heartbreak, and you'll need to find joy again.

Live in joy. If only in the smallest sense, fixate on it, until it becomes an increasing awareness. Find joy in scenarios that are far from what you understand or are comfortable to deal with. God trusts you with something that no one else can fulfill.

When you do not know how to respond to the challenging situations of today, keep in mind that this may be the start of a new chapter in your children. This is powerful, scary, and incredibly overwhelming, but I have to believe, just as He did for me - just as he did for us all - He will keep and protect my kids.

America's Soul: Lost in False Empathy

False empathy is rampant in America.

It esteems itself in the trenches of despair, dissension, bondage, unforgiveness; with a relentless drive to hang onto injustice more greatly than to offer mercy. 

False empathy is apparent when the message of hope no longer falls from our lips.

There is no restoration in continued protest. It is a focus that stirs disaster in the human soul. Liberating marginalized, valuable people does not look like a mass of those more fortunate, rolling around, hashing, rehashing, over and over again, in the bile that holds victims captive. We continue to victimize valuable people who deserve and desire reconciliation. Stagnant on the streets of despair, with signs of personal hostility does not lift up America's soul, but rather tears it down. Justice is found in reconciliation. Reconciliation is achieved only when we move forward.

It is time we move forward.

Cover your eyes to false empathy. While protests continue, move silently among a broken people, looking past differences, seeking to embrace those who want to stand tall and desire to move forward. Meet people in despair, but do not stay there. Love does not stew. It gently lifts up, inspires with hope, and calls to action. 

Love deep. 

Inspire with hope. 

Move forward. 

Work hard. 

#moveforward

#nurturecalls