Longterm yearning

Mental Health. It's all the buzz and it is a BIG issue. We live in a day where information has no holes. It's impossible to find nothing on just about anything. We are never fully satisfied because we have learned that what we do not yet know holds the power to change reality. So we keep on searching.

Unfortunately, I am not convinced that drawing awareness is helping. I can't help but wonder if the solution for mental health is something that culture is not willing to see or change.

Our minds have far surpassed our physical abilities and have limited us from sustaining life on earth (both figuratively and literally). We all know too much.

With a plethora of information at our finger tips, confusion is nevermore substantiated. Conflicting opinions everywhere we turn...we just keep searching...

I continually have more questions than I find answers to. I desire a lifestyle that is far from what I am living, a mindset that seems impossible to achieve, and happiness that so easily escapes me because I think way too damn much.

To fight against confusion we strive for more knowledge, more understanding, to explain what is not yet clear (or we pray until we are blue in the face...it's all the same). Naturally, we fantasize about what life could be. We get caught up in things we cannot fix, people we cannot change, and a life we cannot live.

Ever wonder why people in third world countries seem so much happier? We look on people with less and feel remorse. Meanwhile, those of us with more (you and me) over complicate things because we have the opportunity to do so. It is a sickness that drives us with an insatiable appetite to understand life differently than what it has proven to be.

Those of us with more, think that offering more to people with less, will somehow lessen their suffering. It won't. In fact, the opposite is true. Simply seeing the good in people where they are, rather than where they could be, promotes real power. It is like plugging in a lamp in the nearest dark corner. Why aim so far when a power source so close?

Opportunity can be misleading. It promises something greater but is not necessarily greener. When we turn our sight to a reality that is too far out of reach, we cheat ourselves (and others) from simply making the most out of what we have. Longterm yearning is a mental disaster that will not be resolved until we embrace what we have, where we are, and stop searching.

God help us. We all know too much and need You less.

#nurturecalls

Waiting

Waiting is not my strong suit. I woke early to spend time with the Big Guy. So glad I did. I literally felt my spirit rise up. I am reminded that no matter how much I try to control things of life, God's plan is rarely on my radar. I look through an external lens to make sense of what I cannot see. Only what I cannot see will never be seen through this lens. When I let go, I am given the chance to see what God can do - It is, and always has been, better than what I can do. Deep down, I know this - but it is in "knowing" that I fail to seek Him. Knowledge often gets in the way of hearing from a Savior. ❤ #nurturecalls

A Silent Birth

Recently, I had the honor of supporting a Mother and Father who delivered their stillborn baby. While heartbreaking, I find it extremely special to be trusted in such an intimately devastating setting like this. I was their birth support for their now 3-year-old daughter and their 1 1/2-year-old son. We very much looked forward to their third, anticipating sometime in May. 

They decided to be surprised by the sex. Just two days prior to finding out that they had lost their baby, an ultrasound showed a healthy, active baby. As Mom felt no movement over the next two days, the doctor urged her to come in. Her greatest fear became a reality. Nothing could prepare them for this devastating surprise. 

Twenty-seven hours by her side as she endured the most incredible pain. Just over 20 weeks old, they later discovered that their sweet baby was in fact, a son.

Images of this experience still shake me today. The Mother was incredibly brave and broken. She chose to be fully present through labor and delivery, and both her and her husband held their son all through the night. It was incredibly selfless, heartbreaking. . .beautiful. 

The Father was also brave. He supported his wife in a tender way, while allowing himself to break. An image of unity so incredibly bound, as they broke over their stillborn baby. The three of us in the room that day have a stronger bond than I will ever be able to describe. 

You cannot walk from this standing tall. You cannot hide grief when it grips you this well. And so, I wrote this yesterday, and shared it today at their sons gravesite with all those present. Grief from a Mother's perspective...

©  2019 Kaley Kiewiet. All rights reserved.

A Silent Birth

Deeply, I wanted you

Bravely, I fought

Trusting to be with you

Instead, I’m at loss.

Gratefully, I carried you

Painfully, delivered you

Heartbreakingly lost you

Into the hands of God.

You knew the sound of my voice

The steady rhythm of our choice

To love and keep you well, my dear

For all the days you had numbered here.

Not one. Not even one moment with me

Instead, your first breath was eternity

I held you close, though cold and frail

You were mine to love. You were mine to care

Silence never hurt so bad

It pains me to wake with empty hands

My life is less without you here

But I know your life is better – free

Why did you have to go so soon?

And leave me with an empty womb

The only hope I have today

Is that I might see you again one day.

Your kicks, they reminded me

Just how wondrous motherhood can be

Your heartbeat, a lifeline of mine

It moved me to tears every time.

If ever I have doubted a God above

A headship, or a higher power

I know now that one must exist

They are blessed to have you - to hug and to kiss.

Your sister, will never know you

Your brother, would have adored you

Your Father, dreams of raising you

Your Mother, aches to hold you

Your birth planted a seed of grace

To face this nightmare I will replay

Over and over again in my head

Trying to make sense of this brutal end.

Death’s grip was stronger than my desire to keep you

Helpless, I had to succumb.

It angers me that God did not leave you

Here with me. He knows I adore you.

The plans we’ve made

The trips we’d take

Walking to and from the lake

Have all gone up in a raging fire

All but a shattered dream…

Darkness has taken over now

Joy, but a fading memory

But not forever as you’ll see

Love will grow inside of me

I may have lost my heart to death

But this is where death loses depth:

Heaven gained an angel, soft

Sadness weaved our hearts, strong

Mercy, opened my eyes to see

Greatness in people, greatness in me

Gratitude, will overtake

My life is rich in spite of heartache.

Death, you may have gripped my heart

But you did not win this war

My son, you see, lives inside of me

His life will be a legacy.

Oliver Matthew, while we do ache

Dreaming of a life we cannot create

We promise to go from here, in hope

Love and courage will help us cope.

Because of you, I was forced to look up

Humbled at the very thought

If a Creator does in fact exist

There you are, by His side, with the Highest.

Enough wasted mind space on what life could be

We choose to live now – intentionally

We choose to make the most of every day we are given

And trust that God’s grace will rebuild again.

Until we meet again, sweet boy

I promise to be better, to seek out new joy

I promise to trade-in my tainted perspective:

That life ends here, with endless depression.

You’ve shown us how to love in pain

To journey-on in grace and heartache

You’ve shown us all humility

A need for a Savior - our desperate plea

I will ache for you all the days of my life

But I will not give up my desire to strive

It pains me, deeply, to let you go

But where you are, death has no hold.

This is where death will die

Where hell loses power. No angels will cry.

In the hands of our Creator, there you will be

Forever guiding us toward eternity.

Dear God, give me strength to live again

Our son would want us to love, to forgive.

Sweet mercy, if in fact you are there

Please fill us with your tender care.

We release you, son, to the hands of God

Where pain has no home; where fear is not found

Your reflection in, still waters and sky

Will be a guiding light of your legacy, wide.

The necklace reads "I love you to the moon and back"

This shadow box was created by the incredible Metro Health Labor/Delivery Nursing Staff

©  2019 Kaley Kiewiet
All rights reserved